If you think you’re an incel, or have thought about that, a word…

I know the frustration of not seemingly being able to find someone.

I completely related to “Somebody to Love” “Someguys have All the Luck” and the even more harsh “Lonesome Loser” all the way until the age of 24.

Somehow it did just happen. Was it extraordinary? Sorry but not really (unlikely that the person will read this…possible, but unlikely. Not entirely her fault. With all the excitement I lasted…well, longer than I was told a first timer lasts, but hardly by much).

Since then it happened with more people than I actually wish. Every single relationship has had the words “I wish you were my first.” at some point.

I was nerd. Still am. But I can promise you there is no conspiracy against you. Your best shot is to leave this crap (not sex but this incel nonsense) alone and just live your life. Obviously a significant other isn’t just going to knock randomly on your door or grab you off the street so get out there and get active in your community. Not just to connect, but to connect with other people in real life.

Ok, its old school, but so is sex. Sex is a physical thing. Love is effort in real time. You can not download it. So get out there and connect with your world as this will put you in the position where you can make that connection too.

If anything that’s the problem. I certainly made connections through things like Plenty of Fish, but that wasn’t all I did. It was another thing that reached out beyond my immediate circle. Being active in your circle and not just lingering online and sending dick pics (this rarely works, it usually kills your shot stone dead, as pof girls repeatedly told me) makes you seem more a viable and safe choice.

With all the challenges women face they want to make sure you’re fun and everything but not a risk factor before giving you that all important shot.

Like I said, my first was at 24 and i didn’t even know if that was going to happen. I was teased mercilessly before it did. But still, I got there eventually and not because they changed.

If anything it’s because I did.

Cheers,

Tom

Love, Sex and other things blown out of proportion

I know…oh, behave!  But this subject seems to need talking, more and more as things get confused.  In some less-known tribal communities in the present day everyone walks about either nude or mostly nude and the number of sexual assaults or sexual challenges are through the floor non-existent.  These people still “do it” and I can’t imagine it doesn’t still feels good but it is simply a part of life.

If nothing else mankind’s fascination with this subject is the stuff of legend…both love and sex. Both are the subject of songs, poems and while they are connected…love is seen as the softer, magical thing and sex is like it’s darker seedier side that dare not speak it’s name.

Then there’s the recent Incel thing which first makes you laugh until you realize how serious they are and how angry that gets people. It’s the same reason that I think “Friends with benefits” and casual stuff of either side doesn’t work. There is still powerful emotion going on. Indeed with the writing of this I have to steer the ship somewhat carefully as I want to explain that a) it’s all going to be ok and b) no, I don’t discount how you might feel.

I really believe that there is someone for everyone and that even if it takes a while before that 1st time, it will eventually happen. Physically there is no kind of person not attractive to someone, it’s simply that we have put certain looks and body types up as the it girl and it boy. Go back a few hundred years and larger people were it as that, like in African cultures, suggested wealth. One of the challenges is of course the thing both you, dear reader, and I are staring at right now. Now of course I love my ability to make use of devices and technology to put out content and connect but it is still over a synthetic machine. We are social animals in the first place. We are tribal and family centric beings, even though many families have problems so your families may not be of a “traditional” set up (may instead be a group of friends, step parents, something else). As such we need to actually be out with other beings in a physical sense. That is the one thing no app can ever, ever do is recreate the physical presence of other people. It’s been “adult material’s” one failing since Playboy first hit the shelves, it can never recreate the actual size perspective, warmth and so on of (for men with this, in traditional sense) a romantic partner. Hey but if you need that until the real thing comes along, “whatever gets you through the night…”

It’s so funny with sex advice and love advice you see all over magazines and now online as well though. I take the line from a terrific British comedy and recently played with it in a song about how this idea could really make it all work. I’m a sucker for hippy like liberalism, I fully admit (are all hippys liberals? Another discussion for another day I suppose).

Anyways the comedy is called May to December

And the quote from it was “You make yourself happy by making the other person happy.”

Just that.

What’s great about it is that it’s not about what you want, other than seeing her/him smile. Knowing you made his/her day. I think the other thing is then the joy of building something like a family.

I grew up a few friend nerd by the way so if this is you please believe me when I say that you’re not a lost cause. What helped me? Other people. But in order for that to happen, I went to work, started playing that bass I just got in bands (you don’t have to by the way, this is my example), got involved in other stuff. This probably made me less an impossible mess around people. Things weren’t easy. Still aren’t but I like what that one woman said about men she would date…

“Men are like wine. They have to be crushed and go through it a few times before they are something I want to have dinner with.”

She’s a comedian, so calm down…I don’t mean you need to be beat down but experience does come from learning with comes from bad judgement so use this phone to find out what you can do today outside of your four walls and get yer shoes.

Trust me, the friends, love and yes, the sex, will be worth it.

Cheers,

Tom